Everything and Nothing

Today, as I was thinking about how my day was going...I realized something. This new life is everything I wished for, and at the same time, nothing like I expected.

I love the baby smiles, the baby laughs, the baby smell. I love having someone to cuddle with during the day (other than my cranky cat). My heart swells with love and pride every time I hold him. I look into his eyes and see my future, his future, and my little piece of immortality. We have created our own fortress against the world...a family. All of this is what I hoped for, and dreamed of when I thought about the children we would have.

But somehow, this new chapter in my life is also nothing like I thought it would be. Now, don't misunderstand me...I expected the dirty diapers, breastfeeding, crying, and lack of sleep. I have younger siblings that I helped take care of (one of my brothers is only 9 years old). Those are not the things that I am referring too. Rather, it is the feeling that all of this is somehow not real. I look at myself in the mirror and some days, I don't see a mother staring back at me. Sometimes I feel like someone is going to rush in and take over, and tell me that I have only been babysitting.

I wonder when the switch is going to flip to full-blown mother. When he starts to crawl, walk, talk? When I start to teach him new things? Will I finally get that feeling when I am taking him to his first day of school?

Motherhood is not just a new chapter in our lives...it is a feeling. And right now, some days I have it, and some days I don't. So even though I am enjoying every second of this journey...I wonder when I will start to feel like I am moving down the tracks?